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Yes, I'm still alive
Dee Blue waves
To those out there who have been wondering where I am and why I haven't been posting anything, let alone Fake chapters/stories, rest assured that I am NOT...

--lying in a coma while hovering family members agonize over whether or not to pull the plug,
--being taken to task for several decades of sins and omissions by a tribunal in some anteroom of the afterlife,
--wandering a foreign continent with a large bump on my head and no memory of who I am, or
--waiting in a state of fading hope and dwindling strength for a search and rescue team to pluck me from the wreckage of a small plane crash in the Canadian wilderness.

I'm in fact alive and well, and in quite good health, all things considered. But I haven't been in good spirits, and when I'm down I don't want to talk about it because it just brings other people down. I'm going through some kind of crisis of confidence where I am doubting myself and all the things I thought I could do well at, or if not well, then at least reasonably okay. My ability to write is one of those things, so that's why I haven't been writing. I've been burying myself in the escapism of reading, instead. I feel kind of disconnected from humanity, and I'm probably spending too much time alone.

I wanted to wait until I was feeling like myself again before I posted anything, but at this point I just don't know when I'm likely to be feeling better, and I guess it's about time I told you what's happening with me. I'm reasonably confident that this won't go on forever because it there's one thing you can be sure of in this life, apart from death, taxes and spam email, it's that nothing is static and everything changes. My crisis of confidence will eventually pass. And even if it doesn't, I promise I will finish Justice anyway.

Thanks for caring, those who care. I'll be back when I'm feeling more positive.

*hugs* I'm e-mailing you.

*hugs back* Thank you for the email. I'll write back this evening.

As my muse has refused to help me write anything in a dog's age (quite literally--it's probably been as long as my dog has been alive), I don't know if he'll be of any help to you. But if gazing upon his physical perfection puts you in mind of any NYC police detectives and what they just might do with each other's physical perfection...

Feel better, darling!

Thanks! I really want to feel better. That's a really lovely icon. I will gaze at it until I feel better.

Hang in there, and take the time you need.

*sends virtual equivalent of snacks and hammock-fanning minions to accompany the reading*

Thank you. I honestly don't know when I'm going to be back to normal. Week after week I've been waiting for it to lift, and it just hasn't.

Can my minions have bodies like mysid's muse and be wearing loincloths?

Ah, sorry to hear that, sweetie! *huggles* I can't do much in writing, I'm afraid, but I hope you'll at least be happy with the knowledge that we're still here, and that we'll be (im)patiently waiting until you feel more like yourself again. I'd suggest chocolate, but that's just my own personal preference.

As for the reading, I've been doing a lot of that, too. I've got too many things going on right now that I don't have the time or inspiration I need to write, so I've been reading some old favorites (and digging up a couple of new ones).

Thanks for the update. I hope you feel better and more confident soon. *sends thoughts of confidence and self-assurance your way* Take care, brit!

*catches thoughts of confidence and self-assurance* Thanks for the well wishes. The trouble with chocolate is that it very soon becomes my master because I'm just so darn susceptible to its sweet and sinister charms. I'm trying not to have it in the house. Unfortunately I found a box of chocolate mousse mix the other day, used it to make 5 servings of mousse and ate them all. :( But not all at once. Over the course of about eighteen hours. Still! Shouldn't have done it.

Oh dear! I knew something must have happened, because it's not like you to be silent for so long...
I'm also reading a lot lately. Well, originally I just had a need to reread all my favorite scenes of A New Day and Justice, but eventually I ended up reading it all again because there's one catchy passage after the other. What I'm trying to say is that I'm addicted to your stories, Brit. And I'm sure that I'm not the only one!
So that's why I'm really relieved that you won't give up writing. A crisis of confidence sounds nasty but I'm sure that you will finally defeat it. At any rate, I'm wishing you to get well soon.
And I know I said it a thousand times before, but I won't ever stop saying it again and again: you write the best fanfictions that I've ever read. So don't you dare to question your talent! ;)
I'm looking forward to the new chapter of Justice, but for the time being, it is much more important that at first you find your confidence again. Well, I fear we readers cannot help very much in that aspect, apart from encouraging you of course.
But in the end, the confidence has to come from you. Only you can motivate yourself to write again - but I'm sure you know that already. It's just that people tend to be much, much more critical with themselves than with others. Please don't be too harsh with yourself, okay? Your writing is amazing as it is, trust me!
I hope that soon, you'll feel confident about your writing skills again. I'm missing Justice, you know? :) But please don't continue only because of annoying readers like me! Continue when you feel like it, when you feel strong and confident again.
Best wishes, and thanks for letting us know about your crisis!

Thank you for being such a fan! I'm sorry for the long silence. i kept thinking I was going to snap out of it any day, but it just hasn't happened. It's not that I can't write-- I just don't like what I write and therefore can't be happy about it. I don't know why my confidence has taken such a beating lately. I always said there were areas of my life where I sucked and areas where I was good, or at least, good enough. But nowadays I feel like I suck at everything and what's more, have always sucked, but just didn't know it. That's really not like me at all.

I probably need to move more and sit less and get more endorphins moving through my bloodstream.

Thanks for all your kind words. I appreciate your support a lot.

Hey Brit-

-Damn it's good to hear from you. Sounds like you are depressed, and suffering from writer's block. Maybe you are fed up with writing. Maybe you are sick of FAKE, and Justice, and don't want to do it anymore. It's okay to take a mental break. None of us will fault you for that. If the story just isn't doing it for you anymore, step away from it for awhile. Come back to it when, and if, it feels fresh again. You won't lose us as fans.

YOU don't suck. Your feelings do; that's the joys of depression. I've been dealing with it for probably 15 years. Wellbutrin is the third medication I've tried, works great on depression but nada for anxiety. Plus you want to have sex, constantly...hm, JJ must be on it, eh?

Hang in there. I've been in your shoes. I'm not going to tell you you're a great writer, you already know I think you are. YOU have to remember it, too.

-Moontatoo :)

Thanks for caring, Moon. I think I am depressed. There's a lot of difficult, stressful things going on in my life, but, really, that's nothing new. What's new is how my sense of self and my sense of my value has been tipped off balance. But I'm still sure that I'll find a way to shake it off eventually. I don't know if I have writer's block because I can still write and I still have lots of ideas. It's just that I used to like my own writing and now I'm finding so much fault with it that I keep deleting whatever I write. That's not like me, either! Most of the time in the past there has not been a huge difference between my original drafts and my published drafts. I usually sat down knowing exactly what I wanted to say and how I waned to say it, and I wasn't troubled by doubt. The doubt is new. But eventually it will go.

That's very interesting about Welbutrin! I thought anti-depressants were also sex drive suppressants. You have taught me something today! JJ must be on it.

Anyway, thanks again for your kind words. I'll hang it there.

It's good to know that all of the above is not wrong with you. But I can so understand being in a funk to the point of not wanting to do anything. I've been there as well. My artwork has suffered a great deal due to this. But I want you to know that I'm here for you if you ever need an ear (or comptuer screen) to listen (read?) to you. I love your story and I'll wait patiently for more to come out. I belive in you and your writing and all that you do in life *kiss on cheek* Chin up and belive in yourself as well.

Thank you, Stalliana. That was my first-ever online kiss on the cheek! I'm doing my best to keep my chin up.

While I'm glad that you aren't dead/amnesiac/fending off wolves, I'm sorry to hear about your persistent funk! I'm afraid I don't have any particularly enlightening words of wisdom for you, except that I've been there, too, and I hope you feel better soon, since that particular feeling sucks in a variety of different ways.

Thanks for checking in with us! And take your time; we'll all be here when you get back.

You know, I'm glad you saw the wolves because they were in my mental picture, but I couldn't see a way to fit them gracefully into an already quite long enough sentence. Thank you for coming to encourage me. I'm glad you check my journal.

I hope things turn around for you soon. I know how you feel *hugs*

I know you do. Right back atcha. And *hugs you* too!

xxWill be waitingxx

Dear Lovely,

Sorry to read you are not in a great place right now and a very negative aspect of reality has mustered its way into your life.

Personally, you have made such a great contribution to FAKE fiction (always keeping it fresh and up-to-date) that I hope from time to time, during this period of introspection, you can look back on some of your own stories, and see just how wonderful and imaginative, they truly are. And as you mentioned many times before, the fun you had writing them.

I sincerely hope you find your way back to where you need to be, for yourself and your life as a whole. To look on your accomplishments, no matter how large or small, without taking inventory on once proud moments, questioning the very legitimacy of the achievements.

Best wishes to you from a distant shore, who understands all too well, the tenuousness of respective perceptual awareness; how quickly it can render you susceptible to self-doubt.

From a continous fan...will be waiting.


Re: xxWill be waitingxx

Thanks, FM, for your wise and kind words! I took your advice and started to re-read some old chapters of A New Day. It was helpful because it made me remember the place I was in when I started writing FAKE-- namely, the biggest crisis of my life. Way worse than now. At that time, writing was my escape, my joy, the thing I looked forward to doing whenever I could snatch a few minutes away from crushing responsibility. I wish I could get that feeling of joy back again.

I'm happy to see you back!^-^


angedevoute here...damn site won't let me log in, so I have to enter under anonymous for now:(

I've been checking in and it was kind of lonely hearing nothing but echos answering back to me. Well, I'm happy to know you're alive and that your sense of humor is still intact^-^

I discovered your FAKE series awhile back and I believe your writing is absolutely brilliant! I'm sorry I didn't tell you that sooner in reviews. I wish I had your talents. I love Dee, he's my favorite character, and I believe the way you potray him does him justice...and the other characters too.

Don't worry, we all hit our slumps, but as the saying goes:

"This to shall pass..."

I'll be here when you get back^-^


Ange De Voute

Re: I'm happy to see you back!^-^

Hello Ange De Voute and welcome to my LJ. Thanks for letting me know you enjoy my Fake stories. Dee is my favorite character, too!

Long time no see, eh? I was worried!

I know how it feels to be in a total slump. Usually in those times I force myself to write, but that doesn't work for everyone. So just... take care of yourself and we'll be waiting for when you get back, aight?

If you ever need an IV of chocolate or nice wine...

Chocolate or nice wine, yum! But no IV because I want to taste them, so they really have to go into my mouth instead of directly to my bloodstream. I wish there was some way I could get all the taste plus the sugar/alcohol buzz but without the calories and the bad health part.

Thanks for the well wishes.

I'm sorry to read that. I know how you feel sort of. When my mother passed away suddenly, I didn't have any will or reason to write anything at all and I didn't for almost six months. But then I realized one day that writing is my passion and it's not something I can give up on ever. So, now I'm back to trying to write while working before going back to college. Things will get better, just remember the reason that you write. As long as you know the reason you write for, then you're good to go.

I'm sorry to hear your mom passed away. I hope it wasn't recently.

I never wrote anything at all UNTIL my mom passed away suddenly. That was when I started writing my FAKE fics. I guess it was a combination of things. I felt mortal for the first time. I understood suddenly that our time here is finite and will one day end. I wanted to leave something behind me that might possibly live on after I die, too. I wanted to create another kind of life, a world that I and other people could 'live' in without actually having to be alive. I also thought that I had a brain full of stories and that they were worth telling and that I should therefore make a push to share them with others. The Internet made that possible. I don't think I ever would have written a word had it not been for that.

*hug hug* Not you too,eh?

Sorry I haven't been keeping up as much as I should. Hopefully after next week's crazy, I'll have a bit more time to catch up.

Yes, me too! It seems as though a lot of people are in the doldrums at the moment. *huuug* Sorry to hear you've got a crazy week looming.

Aw, darling, I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling blue. I understand what it's like to suffer through these bouts of self-doubt (especially when it comes to things I thought I was really good at).

I just wanted to let you know that, no matter how you may feel or think, you're a wonderful person and an excellent writer. Your stories keep me entertained while leaving me at the edge of my seat with each chapter.

I know I'm not on often enough to praise your work the way a good reader should (and I always feel just awful for not letting you know what an absolute pleasure it is to read your writing)but whenever I read your work, I wait in baited anticipation for the next installment; knowing that any wait is worth reading more.

I'm not sure if this helped lift your spirits any at all, but I wanted to let you know that you are an magnificent writer and marvelous person that I just absolutely adore.

Much love, IS

Yes, it helped lift my spirits. You're always so kind. I do enjoy hearing from you. Thank you!