brit_columbia (brit_columbia) wrote,

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All right, I have reason to believe that there are people out there who still have leftover Halloween candy. How do I know this? Well let's just say I'm psychic. Anyway, enough about me and the many talents I have that no one wants to pay me for. On to my poll.  
I seriously want to know the favourite mini Halloween chocolate bar of whomsoever might be periodically checking my journal.

Mine is the Crunchie bar. Swordy, I know that you, at least, are not confused. The Americans probably are, however. So, citizens of the U.S., I'm here to give you a description of the Crunchie bar and a step by step tutorial of how to eat one, should you ever be so lucky as to get to get one (or two or three) to yourself.

The Crunchie bar is comprised of sponge toffee, light and honeycombed throughout, which has been slathered generously with milk chocolate. ( Don't you just love that world 'slathered'? Particularly in conjunction with the world 'chocolate'? I certainly do) If you are holding one in your hot little hands and wondering how to proceed, well here I am to render assistance. Fellow Canadians, disregard the following.  I'm sure you grew up doing this stuff and do not need any instruction from me.  Americans:  Continue to pay attention.  I do not CARE if you guys invented the Hershey bar.  The Crunchie is a different animal.

Step one. Unwrap the Crunchie at one end. If it's a mini, just unwrap the whole thing. Gaze upon its burnished, brown rectangular beauty. Resist the urge to give it an experimental nibble. There is a process unfolding here, and proper decorum will be observed.

Step two. Raise the Crunchie to your nostrils and sniff it. The Bouquet of the Crunchie is very important. Are you sensing the overtones of burnt sugar accompanied by the undertones of rich butter? If your errant tongue is trying to snake out and lick the underside of the Crunchie, well, stop that! That's just plain crass.

Step three. It's time to contemplate penetrating the protective exterior of the Crunchie in order to savour the edgy sweetness of its hidden and secret interior, an intense and often reverent experience that our friends, the Americans, so rarely get to experience. Let us bow our heads a moment in Sympathy and Sisterhood with our American friends. Swordy, you with me? A moment of silence if you please.

Step four. Okay, let's get on with the biting. Wait! Stop! Not like that. Don't you people have any sense of finesse? Sheesh. Look if we're going to do this, let's do it right, OK? Take a deep breath and think of England. Why? Because the British have self control due to their stiff upper lips, of course.

Step five.  Turn the Crunchie to its side and gently...GENTLY, mind, bite off the top slab of chocolate with your teeth.  It is quite thick and will come off surprisingly willingly.  Remember, the Crunchie WANTS you to enjoy it.  Just don't get excited and out-of-control or else you will frighten it.  Let the top slab of chocolate melt in your mouth.  The sponge toffee fragments that cling to the chocolate give it a smoky flavour that promises a certain future wildness...if you treat it right.

Step six.  Repeat step 5 several times over with the bottom and sides of the Crunchie, until the sponge toffee lies naked in your hand.  It will be a little overheated, a little wilted around the edges, but this, believe you me, is not only to be expected, but also desirable.  It is a sign that you have done well.  You should be proud.  Americans!  No high-fiving at this point.  Cast your eyes over to your British bretheren, and try to emulate them.  Your work is not yet done.  Any sort of overt celebration would be, well, premature.   That's a kind of a bad word to get attached to your nation, isn't it?  Let's not bust out the champagne until after the job is done!

Step seven
.  Consume the sponge toffee any way you see fit.  It does not matter how.  Provided you have followed Steps one though six, the sponge toffee will be putty in your hands.  Nibble it in small bites, chew it passionately in one big one, or suck it slowly until it melts into oblivion in your mouth...the choice is yours.  No one will judge you.  The point is to achieve pleasure.  Mutual pleasure for both the Crunchie bar and you.  TIP:  They enjoy it too!

Just do not, above all, decide that you have made a mistake and cast it aside AFTER you have unwrapped it and removed its protective exterior shell of chocolate.  That would be unforgivable and would probably get you expelled from the "Chocolate Lovers' Club" and bring down upon you the contempt of your peers.  If you're a Starburst, Jolly Rancher or Bazooka Joe kind of girl, just make sure you go back and do the Basic Training along with the Theory courses before you decide to cut loose on an actual chocolate bar.  Otherwise life-long trauma could result.

I hope this has been educational, if not inspiring.  I will of course be taking questions from confused multinationals from countries other than Canada and the UK.  Remember, you can post anonymously with no fear of reprisals.

I'm just trying to make the world a better place, one Crunchie bar at a time.


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