brit_columbia

Yesterday, I finished FAKE A New Day (May) and -as promised- here's my feedback. :-)

First of all, it's a wonderful fic. You have a gripping plot, sound characterization, believable locations (and OCs) and just the right mix of serious story telling and slapstick humor so typical of FAKE (and so often missing in FAKE fics).
I especially like how you made JJ into a fullfledged character rather than just a humping hormonic clown. And the burial scene for Bicky's friend is easily among the most touching scenes I've read in fanfics so far. :)

So much the praise. Now on to the rest. (This reads longer than the praise, but that's only because I try to be precise and helpful with it.)

The majority of your fans might hate me for this, but there's too much sex. (Before I'm burned at the stack for it, let me elaborate!) It's not - as I half and half expected after our email & p/m exchange - the number of sex scenes in the whole fic. It's reasonable and fitting those two. More so, your sex scenes are important for the development of your characters. They have meaning! But you bury it in way too much text with describing how they feel (emo), what they feel (sense), and what how they do where with what part of their anatomy and in what order and for both of them.
If you chose one pov - Ryo or Dees - for a scene and, instead of spelling out everything just describe how it feels (sensation is the connecting layer between emotion and physical action after all), you could drastically reduce the size of the sex scenes and increase their impact, because (a) the development in the sensing character is all the more obvious and (b) you don't interrupt your cunning investigating plot by ten pages of hot bedroom action!
You have a similar length problem with your introspective parts, too. But it's not as severe, because your characters are in a calm situation to begin with when they go into introspective, not just interrupting a nerve-wrecking investigation for some stress-relieve sex.

And how about an OC who's not comfortable with homosexuality, but is trying to be civil about it instead of being automatically Mr./Mrs. Jerk?
But that's not specifically for your fic. Your OCs are fine and work well with your plot. It's just that additional grain of complexity & realism, I automatically wait for when nothing else disturbs me. :)

Anyway, rest assured, I'm totally looking forward to reading June! Thank you for writing & sharing this! ♥

From my own experience in writing sex scenes (non-con, hand job, both about 40% down the respective page; Fandom: X/1999), I typically have a very detailed version (15 pages or so) before I decide on which pov works best and streamlining it to match to amount of reading time I have for it in the plot.
Since I prefer the strictly plot-bound style, the detailed stuff gets just chopped off (::ouw!:: *eg*), but it would be easy to keep it as "the long version" and link it to the story - as in: do you want to follow the thrilling investigation that keeps you at the edge of your seat (then read on!) or do you want a nice vacation with a hot steamy detailed sex scene (then follow this link; there's going to be a link back to where the rest of plot commences afterwards to bring you back).
Just an idea, of course. Rest assured, I'll read future installments, even if you go "and now I make the sex twice as long to falsify the concrit!)
:)

That's for rushing out a reply while having to catch a commuter train to work...

Please don't take the two examples I linked in my previous reply as a "you should write like I do". I mean them only as an illustration of where I come from (fic-wise).
Your style (and tastes) in writing are different (and that's great, otherwise we would all write the same and get bored out of our minds) and I firmly believe that every author ought to write the stories they like to write/read themselves.

Congratulations on the bullet-proof ego. It's good to have one, esp. when it's combined with wanting to improve! :)

I'm rather cautious when it comes to offer my own work as reference for con-crit, because - let's face it - it is often misunderstood in the way I feared and thus gives rise to really nasty & unintended arguments. Giving detailed con-crit has become a risky business in fandom these days, so I either keep my mouth shut or I'm overly cautious; esp. since there's a language barrier involved, too. After all, I certainly don't want to piss off a goodfic!author. He/she might end up using me as evil OC. ;)